When Wezzo guested here recently, he showed us the latest TV spot from sex chain Ann Summers, featuring women reaching a yuletide climax (which in turn was probably inspired by Romantic Death by The Sun and THEIR inspiration, Beautiful Agony).
When you look at those clips, it's clear that the ones from Beautiful Agony have an “authenticity” that the Ann Summers actresses can't quite muster. Which got me thinking of some of the most outrageous orgasms of mainstream cinema. I bypassed porn, adult movies, Last Tango in Paris and the like, and concentrated more on mainstream films to bring you this countdown. So come with us now, as we build inexorably to a climax with our list of Ten Great Hollywood Orgasms.
10. Jennifer Anniston in Bruce Almighty
Bruce Almighty answers the question - what would you do if you suddenly had the powers of God. And in Bruce's case, it turns out to be giving Jennifer Aniston the mother of all orgasms. Now that I think of it, that would probably be pretty high on my list too, although not from the next room.
9. Jane Fonda in Barbarella
Back before the ruckus over Hanoi Jane, Henry's little girl performed a zero gravity strip before becoming the first woman ever to be sentenced to death by orgasm via the “Excessive Machine”. One wonder why Tookie Williams didn't opt for that method - “Yes, your Honor, I choose Death by a Thousand Blowjobs”.
8. Gina Davis in Thelma & Louise
After featuring Jennifer Aniston at #10, it feels only right to feature Brad Pitt at #8, in his screen debut in Thelma & Louise, giving Gina Davis her first orgasm, which led to a string of crimes and a plunge over a cliff. Maybe that's what they mean by “Little Death”. She ended up in the Oval Office, he ended up in the Jolie Bedroom.
7. Ben Stiller in There's Something About Mary
This one already featured in our earlier story about Big Screen Five Knuckle Shuffles but it's notable enough to list again. Ben Stiller pleases himself, then loses his ejaculate, which finally makes its way into Cameron's hair. You know, truthfully, that happened to me once too. It's the damndest thing (although i suspect it didn't end up in Cameron's hair).
6. Woody Allen in Sleeper
In the future, cigarettes will be good for you, and sex will have been replaced with in vitro fertilization. To compensate for all those animal needs, there are two objects - The Orgamsmatron and The Orb. Actually, make that the iOrb, 1000 orgasms in your pocket.
5 Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet
One of the scariest psycopaths ever to grace the screen, Frank from Blue Velvet reached his climaxes from inhaling gas and tweaking nipples REALLY HARD. I still can't listen to “In Dreams” without shuddering.
4. Woody Allen in Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex
It's somehow appropriate that a sex-neurotic guy named Woody would make the list twice. Many men may have claimed to have HAD an orgasm on screen, but only Woody can claim to have used the Stanislavski Method, to really “be” the orgasm, playing a single sperm waiting for final ejaculation in Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask).
3. Madeline Kahn in Young Frankenstein
Both Madeline Kahn and Teri Garr were to experience the wonder of Frankenstein's enormous Schwanstucker, which also made both break out into a refrain from “O Sweet Mystery of Life” at the point of climax. But only Madeline Kahn's hair turned white. RIP Madeline, one of the funniest comedic actresses ever.
2. Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally
Without doubt the most famous orgasm ever to hit the silver screen, Meg Ryan tries to prove what a (fake) dirty girl she can be in the diner with Billy Crystal. When Ryan finally did her topless scene in In The Cut it has a tenth of the sexual energy of this scene. I suspect most of you thought this would have been #1 on the list, but not only would that have been obvious, it would have robbed Shirley Maclaine....
1. Shirley MacLaine in Being There
“I like to watch” said the late Peter Sellers in his final, magnificent film, Being There. And so Warren Beatty's sister obliges, working herself up to a steamy head while Chauncy the gardener obliviously watches TV. A classic movie moment, and my pick for the best screen orgasm by a big name actress.
(Honorable Mention: Joan Allen in Pleasantville who's first climax is accompanied by a Burning Bush. God almighty!)
So what did I miss? Let us know in the comments below.