10) Jesus Poker Chips

And there were in the same casino shepherds abiding at the tables, keeping watch over their chips by night. And, lo, the pit boss came upon them, and the glory of the new dealer shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the dealer said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you hands of great joy, which shall be to all tables. For unto you is born this day in the city of Sin, a saving hand, which is pocket aces. Link

9) Pornaments

Is that a carrot or a finger? Whatever it is, do I really want it poking out over the electric train set?

I'll bet this is some billion dollar industry that I'm unaware of. And right now, Scaramouch is thinking "How do I get in on the action?" On this site, you can choose from tied-up teddy bears, horny snowpeople, or my favorites, the ginger-bad people.

8) Those Wacky Christmas Ties

Here's another one I'm guilty of. Well not me really, but my mom, who would dress me in these for Church when I was really young and couldn't fight back. That's the kind of sick, yuletide hell was I living in back then. And I've still got the rayon burns to prove it.

7) Reindeer Jerky

Hey, this is good. What did you say it was, again? I'm sorry, I thought I heard you sy..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUURRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG.

And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight..."Get the barbecue ready, Rudolph t-bones, tonight". Link

6) Mood Cross

Didn't these go out in the 70's with Mary Magdalene puca beads...no? Pontius Pilate pet rocks? Last Supper string art? (can't stop) Palm Sunday Platform Shoes? (help) Water and Wine drinking hats?

5) Santa Toilet Seat Cover

What kind of sick motherf'er makes this thing. It's enough to scare the shit back up your colon. I think Buffalo Bill actually had one of these by the pit in Silence of the Lambs.

You think I'm being a little harsh? Think through the process for a second. You drop your pants in front of Santa, and put your butt directly in front of his face. That beard's not staying white for long. And by the way, if you don't like that style, try this one, or this one, or this one.

4) Heavily Armed Christmas Miniatures

Courtesy of the fine artisans at Wargames Supply Dump, choose from Santa Claus with Kalashnikov rifle, Big Vinny Snowman with Schmiesser sub machine gun or Mrs. Claus with double-barreled shotgun. (Insert your own Peace On Earth joke here) No three-day waiting period required.

3) Nativity Egg Timer

And this will be a sign to you. You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth...RIIIIINNNGGGGGGGG. KIDS, breakfast's ready. Link

***Please note - For these last two, I am laughing at you***

2) The Upside-Down Tree Craze

Have you guys heard about this? You can choose from three different styles at Target and they're sold out of the freaking things at Hammacher Schlemmer, .

Apparently, it's a resurgence of a 12th century tradition (kinda like the plague coming back...it's all cycles) According to the item copy, hanging this tree in the living room ensures a smaller footprint, allows more room for presents, and tells the neighbors you're the weirdest mother-fucker on the block. Next up...door stop mistletoe

1) The International Star Registry

I will NEVER understand how this place has hung around, but it does offer me an opportunity to announce my new business venture. I've partnered with the fine people at Coney Island to bring you this special offer. Today only, you can have an actual grain of Coney Island sand named after you or a loved one. That's right, the grains that NYC swimmers walk on every summer...and one could be yours. Official artificial parchment style certificate included.

I know...not very Christian of me, especially during this season of good will towards men. But Kee-rist, wise up people...you're buying nothing...NOTHING. Pay me ten bucks and I'll name my couch after you. At least I own my couch. These douchebags don't have any official rights to the stars, or naming them. And even if they do, and I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, I'm sure it would still be news to the stars.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Previous 12 Lists of Christmas Entries
#1 - Top Ten Christmas Villains
#2 - My Ten Favorite Christmas Flicks