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Commuting Suicide: Volume III

Posted by aquaman on October 13, 2005.

Commuting Suicide
Killing myself slowly, day after day

Volume III: "Walk a Mile Without Shoes"

I was absolutely soaked on my seventeen-minute walk across town yesterday morning. My Totes umbrella was no match for the torrential rain and gale force* winds. On the elevator up, I could smell the pneumonia.

Miserable and whiny, I made two decisions. First, I couldn't make it through the day in water-logged pants. Second, parading around in my boxer briefs wouldn't suffice.

So, I hit up Modell's and bought me a cozy pair of black sweatpants, some Air Jordan socks, and their second-least expensive t-shirt (a gray Yankees "Jeter #2"). The least expensive shirt would have dissolved off my back had any droplets of water later fallen from my hair.

The new outfit, sans shoes, completely changed the office experience. People were nicer to me -- I was randomly given a new hat and two bottles of champagne. My whole area felt like a freshman dorm. People didn't have to wonder, "Is this guy serious about his job?" It was entirely obvious. And, minus that pretense, you can have some pretty good conversation with unfamiliar co-workers.

To review: All you need to better tolerate your workplace? This, that and these.

*I have no idea what "gale force" is. But my pants hadn't been this wet since I was weaned off diapers.

See Volume I and II

If you enjoyed this story, read more like it in our Commuting Suicide section.

Reader Comments

where are the Port Authority toilets, so I can avoid them if I am ever in your land?

Posted by wooddragon.

OOPS..I was refering to Commiting Suicide Volume II

Posted by wooddragon.

OOPS..I was refering to Commiting Suicide Volume II

Posted by wooddragon.

They do a good job hiding them, actually. Not a lot of signs pointing the way, since they're hoping to cut down on similar spitting incidents.

That strategy won't work, though, because the people it's designed to confuse have unlimited available time to wander aimlessly until they succeed.

Posted by aquaman.

sad world heh?

Posted by wooddragon.

The Port Authority is one of the scariest places ever. When I was going to school in NY, not a day passed that some degenerate didn't make a gross comment to me as I passed. My mother once had a man walk up to her, look at her breasts and ask her if they were real.


Posted by Cindy.

What was the 1st least expensive t-shirt in Modell's?

Posted by TurkeyburgerDLX.

They had plenty of lime green and bright yellow plain tees for about $5 cheaper. I splurged.

Also, most of the cheaper tees were in XXL. The authors of Freakonomics should figure out the fattest city based on the overwhelming proportion of XXL and 3XL shirts to the old Small, Medium and Larges.

Another note: I bought a Medium. Based on co-worker feedback, I'm probably a Large. Next time.

Posted by aquaman.