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« Wednesday is New Comics Day | Main | Star Wars Episode IV (the dirty version) »

Famous Virgins

Posted by Jellio on August 18, 2005.

virgin-web.jpg

You all know Steve Carrell's take on middle age virginity comes out this weekend. Looks good, especially the scene about the body waxing.

In honor of Mr. Carrell's first starring role, I've scoured the web for similar tales of non-sexual behavior. I Actually think it took me a good fifteen minutes before I found a decent list. (Found it on several sites, too. So you know it's gotta be true.)

And now, I give you...FAMOUS VIRGINS THROUGH THE AGES.

Hans Christian Anderson
andersonweb.jpg
I know what you're thinking. How did Mr. Studley here manage to steer clear of the ladies? Well, it seems the author of The Emperor's Clothing, The Princess and the Pea, and The Ugly Ducking never found his own princess. Gives you a whole new perspective on the "beautiful swan" thing

James Barrie
barrieweb.jpg
Looks like the author of Peter Pan really did never grow up. I read his mother dominated his life, which says alot. I never saw the Johnny Depp flick, but if there's a love scene with Kate Winslett, it would appear to be pure fiction.

Lewis Carroll
carrollweb.jpg
Are you seeing a trend here? Looks like the life of a children's book author is a lonely one indeed. Maybe Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass offered Mr. Carroll a fantasy life that he apparently wasn't getting at home.


Emily Dickenson
dickensonweb.jpg
Famous poet who later turned to bit parts in movies like The Ring to make ends meet. (spooky, right?) This famous American poet was virtually a recluse at her home in Amherst, Massachusetts, where she wrote more than a thousand poems, typically about love, death, and our relationship with nature.

Ed Gein
geinweb.jpg
A serial killer I'd never heard of before today. Known as The Butcher of Plainfield, Ed Gein gained notoriety in the 1950s for murdering at least two women and being a graverobber in his spare time. Ladies, how did you let this one get away?

JellioBanner.gif

J. Edgar Hoover
hooverweb.jpg
Famous American director of the FBI. He is remembered for fighting gangsterism during the Prohibition era, a vigorous anti-Communist campaign, and wearing women's clothing. (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Immanuel Kant
kantweb.jpg
Yup, he couldn't. (Oh man, I crack myself up) German philosopher who argued that reason is the means by which the phenomena of experience are translated into understanding. But if you don't experience it, how would you ever understand it? Know what I'm sayin'?

Scara...wait, how did this get in here?
scaraweb.jpg
That's not right. The man has children, for goodness sake. Who's messing with my posts?

Soren Kierkegard
kierkegaardweb.jpg
Danish religious philosopher and precursor of modern existentialism, he insisted on the need for individual decision and leaps of faith in the search for religious truth. (Looks like we can lump philosophers in with the children's book authors)

Sir isaac Newton
newtonweb.jpg
Newton helped define the laws of gravity and planetary motion. A famous story suggests Newton discovered the laws of gravity by watching an apple fall from a tree. A lesser known story goes on to describe a sexually frustrated Newton cutting a hole in the apple and abusing the hell out of it.

Nikolai Tesla
teslaweb.jpg
Inventor of alternating current and 80's hair bands. He worked side by side with Thomas Edison. And now that I think of it, Mr. Edison's famous "Watson, come quick" call would've taken on a whole new meaning if Nicky picked up instead.

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Reader Comments

Don't forget former Laker A.C. Green, the man who eschewed groupie sex for two decades.

Posted by aquaman.

Yeah. Edison called Watson in because he'd heard on the radio that Alexander Graham Nash had invented the teleprompter. Or something....

Posted by Dave Maleckar.

That's Soren Kierkegaard, not Immanuel.

Posted by jeet.

whoops. typo.

Posted by Jellio.

I can't believe you forgot Elizabeth I, the most famous Virgin in history. They only named the state of Virginia after her.

Oh, and Michael jackson, of course.

Posted by Scaramouch.

The Virgin Queen...how'd I forget that one. And Elizabeth too.

Posted by Jellio.

Wait. You mean these men never had sex with women, and visa versa, right? Because a bunch of children's authors and a cross-dresser might not have been interested.

Posted by TurkeyburgerDLX.

Ed Gein was the guy silence of the lambs was based on, he was known for making ... well its pretty nasty, here's the site
http://www.houseofhorrors.com/gein.htm

Posted by darthskier.

VACA POZE

Posted by HOLOM CARLA.

Its wasn't Edison who called Watson, but Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone. Who writes this stuff?

Posted by Mehdi.

FUCK!

Posted by Jellio.

little known fact - Edison also had an assistant named Watson...Carl Watson. He asked him to come quick because there was dust on the needle.

Posted by Jellio.

"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "Psycho" were both
inspired by Ed Gein.

Posted by J-Berg.

Most of the men on this list were virigins if you don't count them being gay. J. Edgar Hoover had a "partner" for 20 some years. James Barrie was married for over 10 years, but had a male "constant companion". Elizabeth was not a virgin, she had a very long affair with Robert Dudley which is said to have produced children. She was even supposed to have slept with Phillip II of Spain and Sir Francis Drake. She took the title of Virgin Queen when her advisors were forcing her to marry and she said she would only remain faithful to England and "married" her country.

Posted by Shelley.

Thanks Shelley, I never professed to be a virgiologist.

Posted by Jellio.

Error after error - This is Virgin on the ridiculous (hehe someone had to say it)

Posted by Scaramouch.

The Elizabeth correction was to YOUR comment, and the other part was a confimation that I wasn't counting possible gay sex, which in fact was the case...asswipe.

Posted by Jellio.

Uhh? I don't think that Mr. Edison coined the phrase "Watson, come quick!", I'm quite certain that was Sherlock Holmes, Hommes.

Posted by Marc.

Uhh? I don't think that Mr. Edison coined the phrase "Watson, come quick!", I'm quite certain that was Sherlock Holmes, Hommes.

Posted by Marc.

This is all totally wrong. I slept with all of these people!

Posted by DNAgal.

Cock.

Posted by LiL_gRL_tTyL.

....something Virgins either keep to themselves, or never experience.

Posted by Scaramouch.

I like the dialogue. Next up, top ten tearjerker flicks about famous virgin inventors.

Posted by Jellio.

Not to mention the fact that Ed Gein was also the inspiration for the movie "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"... He made furniture and clothing out of the corpse and people he killed/dug up!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Gein

Posted by Freddy.

You forgot every Pope who ever lived. Oh wait, are we counting sex with boys or not? Never mind.

Posted by Evil Richard.

Is that heresy, libel, defamation or blasphemy? Could be all four.

Posted by Scaramouch.

Never heard of Ed Gein? He was not only the inspiration for buffalo bill in silence of the lambs but also leatherface of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Norman Bates of Psycho! Never heard of Ed Gein?!

Posted by dan.

I'm not sure about Lewis Carroll being a virgin. He wrote and told his stories specifically for his colleague's daughter, Alice, whom he spent a lot of time with in her attic. Anyone else see something wrong with this picture?? It was eventually discovered that he was having an inappropriate relationship with her. So he may be a virgin in the sense that he never had sex with a WOMAN, but no one ever said anything about girls. Ick.

Posted by Elizabeth.

elizabeth wasnt a virgin you twat, she might have not gotten married but she got tapped left and right and of course u wont hear that in official documents because that'd be embarrassing to a politician in those days when virginity was a religious virtue. U didnt see clinton goin on cnn sayn a intern gave me head and i busted on her dress in the oval office either.

Posted by ILL TEK.

Who ever said the popes were virgins. They had sex lives that were right up there with the roman orgies in decadence. They had lots of children too, many of whom were passed off as nephews and nieces. Some of the Knights of Malta were sons of popes.

Posted by haznrazn.

Who ever said the popes were virgins?! They had sex lives that were right up there with the roman orgies in decadence. They had lots of children too, many of whom were passed off as nephews and nieces. Some of the Knights of Malta were sons of popes.

Posted by haznrazn.

you could at least have added the pope...

Posted by Al.

(the current and previous one)

Posted by Al.

Ed Gein is the guy Psycho is based on. Go to Courttv.com, then Crime Library and he is under famous serial killers.

Posted by Tiff.

I'M NOT ON THE LIST!!!!

Posted by Joshua.

Идите на хуй

Posted by Николо Тесла.

Jesus Christ was a virgin.

Posted by Phillip.

Not according to Dan Brown et al.

Posted by Scaramouch.

Jesus' mom was one too.

Posted by Evil Richard.

you forgot ralph nader !!!!

Posted by pablo.

Even if we presume (as I do) that Mary was a virgin, she had other sons conceived by Joseph.

Posted by Sandusky Sandoval.

Hey... "Watson, come here quick" was Alexander Graham Bell's line, not Edison's!

Posted by cc.

It seems to me that you must be really insecure to be so interested in other people's sexual habits...either that or just a jerk off.

Posted by Ironyman.

Hey, Tesla did not "work side by side" with Edison. Tesla and Edison were arch-rivals, Tesla basically of the opinion that Edison was a fraud of some sort. Man, Tesla's story could have been made so much more interesting, he is after all the inspiration for the "mad scientist" archetype. The guy built a huge tower with a huge electro-static generator on which he stood, for the benefit of the press, in a rubber suit directing huge artficial lightning to the ground, laughing hysterically all the while. He also used to speculate on changing, such behavior prompted many editorials speculating on his mental health. There was a "this guy has got to be stopped" attitude about Tesla, wheras Edison was revered.

Posted by brentt.

I meant to say, "he also used to speculate on such things as changing the weather artificially for purposes of war etc."

And "Watson" was a character in Sherlock Holmes novels, he had nothing to do with either Tesla or Edison.

Posted by brentt.

I should be on this list! (ha!), but more importantly:
1. Vinoba Bhave, Indian freedom fighter and social reformer.
2. John Ruskin, art critic
3. Paul Erdős, mathematician
4. Samuel Hardy, prolific writer of the Victorian period
5. Jean Alexander, actress
6. A.C. Green, basketball player for the Los Angeles Lakers. Well maybe not, he married in 2002 at the age of 38, but you gotta give him credit for holding out so long.
Take care!

Posted by Joe Nobody.

I should be on this list! (ha!), but more importantly:
1. Vinoba Bhave, Indian freedom fighter and social reformer.
2. John Ruskin, art critic
3. Paul Erdős, mathematician
4. Samuel Hardy, prolific writer of the Victorian period
5. Jean Alexander, actress
6. A.C. Green, basketball player for the Los Angeles Lakers. Well maybe not, he married in 2002 at the age of 38, but you gotta give him credit for holding out so long.
Take care!

Posted by Joe Nobody.

Anne Widdecombe, British Politician

Possibly Ted Heath, British Prime minister, lifelong bachelor, not gay, very reserved.

Posted by Caractacus.

Hallo! site the best! :)

Posted by Fill.

Hallo! site the best! :)

Posted by Bill.

Ludwig van Beethoven was said to have been a virgin... Despite the tacky romance of the film "Immortal Beloved" and rumors that he died of syphilis (the scars on his face are now believed to be from lupus), it's widely accepted now that Beethoven remained a lifelong celibate. OTHER VIRGIN COMPOSERS: Anton Bruckner, Glenn Gould.

Posted by Mistah_J.

The Swedish king Karl XII is said to never have had sex as well, at least not with a woman.

Another site mentions composer Frederic Chopin, but I wouldn't believe it as he at least had a well-known relationship with author George Sand -and yes, that's a woman!

What about Adolf Hitler? It's not sure that he ever had sex with Eva Braun, or any woman for that matter.

By the way, the Danish name is spelt Andersen, not Anderson.

Posted by Hillbilly.

Jesus was a fictional virgin...not sure that counts.

Posted by Me.

Jesus was a fictional virgin...not sure that counts.

Posted by Me.