Ok...you asked for it......

I had my review for YBNBY all planned, even before I set foot in the theater.

"Laughed-A-Lot!" That was going to be it, a one word review. Clean, simple, echoing Jellio's earlier review.

Laughed-a-lot!

The trouble is, I didn't. I wouldn't go as far as to say I hated the show - but let's just say there's two hours of my life I'll never get back.

No strike that, I hated it. I really hated it.

And you have to understand how much that hurts to say, because Holy Grail is on my top ten movie list of all time.

Let's begin with the writing by Eric Idle. Lazy, lazy, lazy. His adaption method seemed to be to transcribe as many scenes as he could, unchanged, from the screenplay, and then link them with contrived exposition, contemporary material that felt incredibly out of place, and a selection of songs that were, at best, pedestrian. There's only so much mileage you can get out of parodying other Broadway shows, and in some places it was a parody too far.

If Idle was Idle, then the Director was even more so. Mike Nichols, you have really let yourself down. A broadway show requires more than putting a bunch of people in a muddled group on a stage, telling them to repeat well-worn jokes, and interspercing the languid pace with the same chorus lineup and "Fame School" choreography multiple times.

The cast - comedy luminaries all, seemed at times both amazed and guilty at the con they were perpetrating on the audience, to all those people who had read great reviews and expected greatness.

Tim Curry acted like a man tired and shagged out after a long squark - there was simply no energy in the man, as he lumbered reluctantly through his inappropriate dance numbers. This is Tim Freakin' Curry - the most dynamic sexy transvestite ever to leave Transexual, Transylvania. As an 18 year old lining up outside a midnight show with a water pistol and bag of rice in my hand, I WORSHIPPED this man. What a let down.

David Hyde Pierce, one of the best comic foils in recent years, proved he is a master of the medium, and that medium is television. His comedy relies on the subtle glance, the refined double take, the underplayed pregnant pause - all subtleties that were lost on the stage. Despite momentarily shining in (by far) the best number in the show, "You won't succeed on Broadway if you don't have any Jews", it never really rose beyond the level of a decent audition piece for The Producers.

Hank Azaria came off smelling the sweetest, but only, I fear, because his gift of mimicry provided a carbon copy performance of the French Taunter and Knights of Ni from the movie itself. When we were presented with a whole "Lancelot is really Gay" (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) extension, I felt like crawling into my seat and covering my head with large cloth that read "Not a homophobe, just a crapophobe".

It has been said that Lady of the Lake Sara Ramirez is the true star of the show, and indeed, I found myself enjoying her performances more than any other. There is no doubt she has a belting voice, and raucous sense of comedy, and she really made the most of the thin gags that Idle had "crafted" for her. We laughed. we cheered. But it's a sad day when your talent shines primarily by comparison with the dregs around you (although admittedly, this is the way I built my own career). Or, in the words the great Python themselves - she shone out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark. Like a stream of bat's piss.

Look, I'm sorry. I know Jellio will say I'm just the eternal pessimist, but I really wanted to love this show, and I hate it even more because I hate it. It just left me with the same icky feeling I had after watching the American version of The Office.

So, for summation, I must return once again to the words of the great Python:

Well ladies and gentleemen, I don't think any of our contestants this evening have succeeded in encapsulating the intricacies of Python's masterwork, so I'm going to award the first prize this evening to the GIRL WITH THE BIGGEST TITS".

If you have tickets, sell them on ebay. It'll be the best laugh you'll get.